Forgive and Forget? Exploring What Forgiveness Really Means
We’ve all heard the phrase: “Forgive and forget.” But when you’ve been hurt — whether by someone else or even by yourself — forgiveness can feel anything but simple.
You might wonder:
Can I really move on?
What if forgiving means I’m saying what happened was okay?
How do I forgive myself when I still feel guilty?
Do I have to forget to truly forgive?
If you're grappling with forgiveness — in your relationship, your friendships, or within yourself — you're not alone. And the good news is: Forgiveness doesn't have to mean forgetting.
It’s a process of healing, not erasing. Therapy can support you in exploring forgiveness in a way that feels true, empowering, and healthy.
Understanding Forgiveness
Forgiveness is often misunderstood. It’s not about pretending something didn’t hurt. It’s not about excusing harmful behaviour. And it’s definitely not about forcing yourself to “get over it” before you’re ready.
At its core, forgiveness is about freeing yourself — releasing the grip that anger, resentment, guilt, or shame may have on your heart. It’s a choice to stop carrying the pain forward, even when you remember the hurt.
Forgiveness can mean different things for different people:
Setting healthy boundaries with someone after you've forgiven them.
Choosing not to seek revenge or retribution.
Forgiving yourself for mistakes and recognizing your growth.
Accepting that healing doesn’t always require reconciliation.
Forgiveness is about reclaiming your peace.
It's a gift you give yourself — not necessarily the other person.
Forgiving Others and Forgiving Yourself
Forgiving Others:
When someone has hurt us, forgiveness often feels complicated. You might feel pressure to forgive quickly to "keep the peace," but true forgiveness can't be rushed. It needs to be genuine. Therapy can help you explore how to forgive while still honouring your boundaries, protecting your well-being, and acknowledging your pain.
Forgiving Yourself:
Sometimes, the hardest person to forgive is ourselves. Maybe it's a decision you regret, a relationship you wish you handled differently, or simply feeling like you "should have known better." Self-forgiveness isn't about ignoring mistakes; it's about understanding them with compassion. It's about recognizing that growth comes from imperfection, not from punishing yourself endlessly.
"Forgive and Forget?" — Is Forgetting Really Necessary?
The saying "forgive and forget" can sometimes cause confusion — and even harm.
Here's the reality:
You don't have to forget what happened to forgive. In fact, forgetting important lessons or experiences might prevent true healing. Remembering — with distance, compassion, and clarity — can help you set better boundaries, recognize your needs, and protect your future well-being.
Forgiveness without forgetting allows you to:
Acknowledge reality rather than deny it.
Honour the impact of your experiences.
Make informed decisions moving forward.
It’s okay — even healthy — to remember differently:
Not with raw pain, but with wisdom and self-respect.
How Therapy Can Help You Explore Forgiveness
Working through forgiveness is a process that often brings up a range of emotions: sadness, anger, grief, confusion, and hope. Therapy offers a safe and compassionate space to sort through these feelings at your own pace.
In therapy, we can:
Explore your personal relationship with forgiveness and what it means to you.
Untangle emotions like anger, shame, resentment, or guilt that are keeping you stuck.
Work through specific situations where forgiveness feels complicated or overwhelming.
Develop tools for boundary-setting, emotional regulation, and self-compassion.
Create space for new possibilities: healing, peace, and personal growth.
Forgiveness is deeply personal.
There’s no timeline. No “right” way.
Therapy can help you find a path that honours both your pain and your strength.
Benefits of Therapy for Forgiveness
Emotional freedom: Letting go of emotional burdens you've carried for too long.
Stronger relationships: Repairing trust or learning when to lovingly detach.
Greater self-acceptance: Releasing perfectionism and embracing growth.
Healthier boundaries: Learning to protect your peace without building walls around your heart.
Increased resilience: Healing from the past and moving into your future with strength and hope.
You Deserve to Heal — On Your Own Terms
Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting.
It doesn’t mean minimizing your pain.
And it definitely doesn’t mean you have to rush or force yourself.
If you’re ready to explore forgiveness — for others, or for yourself — therapy can be a supportive, empowering place to start.
Reach out today. You deserve to experience peace, not perfection.
